I get asked in every single interview, “You just do it all! You tour, you have your whole career, you have the perfect family, an amazing life, and you always seem happy. How do you do it?!” And I always answer: “Therapy, my antidepressants and my entire team.” I am blessed to be in this situation. I have an incredible nanny who’s here Monday through Friday. My mother lives down the street from me and is always there for me. My husband is also so supportive. My managers and my team are my family โ theyโre at my house all the time and making sure my schedule is kids-first, then work. And I have incredible doctors.
Our pediatrician is the one who looked at me when I was trying to breastfeed Barry and said, “Hey, you can stop now. I’m looking at you and Daryl and you look exhausted. You look defeated. It’s totally OK to have formula.” Pumping was impossible. I took all the supplements and drank all the teas and ate the cookies, and I tried everything to get milk. I struggled making milk the first time, too, but I’d heard from other moms that you might get more milk the second time around. So I decided to try again even though it was my nightmare. That doctor saved me that day by giving me permission to stop.
It was months after the birth and I was having nightmares that I was still on the surgical table and I could feel the doctor’s hands inside of me. (My therapist) said, ‘Right, so this is a form of PTSD.’
After my first pregnancy, my therapist is the one who diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress disorder. It was months after the birth and I was having nightmares that I was still on the surgical table and I could feel the doctor’s hands inside of me. She said, “Right, so this is a form of PTSD and we’re going to have to talk through this, and get through this.”
I was on antidepressants before I had kids. I’m kind of grateful that I had mental health issues before going into pregnancy. I had already figured out how my brain works. Going into pregnancy, I knew I would need to ask for help and be prepared. I talked to my psychiatrist and said, “Hey, I’m on this medication you prescribed me. Is it safe for pregnancy?” We made adjustments, and I talked to my OB-GYN, and we were all on the same page. I stayed on antidepressants throughout both pregnancies. After my first C-section, my baby, Riley, had to go right to the NICU. There was no name for what happened to him โ he just didn’t wake up. In the hospital, a lot of the nurses would look at me and say, “Oh, it’s probably because of your antidepressants.” My doctors and my psychiatrist reassured me that wasn’t true.
But then, during my second pregnancy, every day I was questioning myself โย wasย that why Riley went to the NICU? I felt crazy. But I again stayed on my antidepressants the whole time,ย andย my second baby was alsoย also born via C-sectionย andย came out crying โ perfect. So I thought, โOK, so it probably wasnโt my antidepressants.โ But it was such a crazy experience, and I donโt wish that on any other mom. (Editorโs note:ย Doctors tell TODAY.comย that antidepressants are generally safe during pregnancy and that women who are taking them before pregnancy are encouraged to stay on them if they become or are trying to become pregnant, as untreated depression typically poses greater risks.)
The second time around, I learned to speak up more about what I needed. My husband and I communicate about everything, even it’s ruthless and honest. I told him that during our first postpartum experience, getting up equally as much as him didn’t feel fair, because I was recovering from a major surgery. I said, “I never told you, but I definitely resented you while you were sleeping and I was pumping and in pain.” So for our second baby, he got up all night, every night, with Barry, and fed him formula.
Being a parent isn’t easy โย especially not today. And yet, being a mom is my favorite thing in the world. Parents just need more support. I want four kids and I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I know that’s what my heart really wants, so I’m going to figure it out with my team of soldiers and angels around me. We will find a way.
If you’re a parent and feel like you can’t ask for help, know that you can. Even if it’s as small as asking a friend or your partner or your pets, talk to somebody โ get it out. If you feel like you’re drowning, there are life rafts, I promise. You will be OK as long as you ask for help.
As told to Rheana Murray. This interview has been edited.
